OOPS

There is no middle ground

I had so many ideas last week, I was so motivated. In my head I had a whole plan of blog posts that I wanted to share, because there really has been so many positive moments that I am sososososo chuffed with.

Putting my awesomeness to one side, I didn’t start this blog to show off about my life or for it to be another one of those romantic recovery stories that get thrown about, or for it to turn into “how awesome is Olivia page” ((as much as I would love that)). At the same time, it would be wrong for me to ignore the progress that I have made, and to not admit that I am beyond proud of myself!!! but it would also be wrong to only share that stuff, because in reality I am far from being a happy chappy 100% of the time, i don’t think is. ((Plus no one really wants to read about how awesome someone is, we have the rest of social media doing that for us AND, we are all way too nosy for that, well I know I am)).

When I wrote my last post, I was SO on it, I had such a positive outlook for the week ahead of me. ((I even booked a trip to visit my gem in Liverpool, massive love to everyone up there you are all fab xoxo)). A couple of months ago I wouldn’t have been able to do that, there was a lot of socialising, there was a lot of adapting to meal times and putting myself in vulnerable positions. Yup, I survived that, I even enjoyed bits of it. What some people won’t be aware of or even consider is that daily events, have a big impact on me. It’s a bit like a hangover, you know where you wake up from a heavy one where you felt fab or different in some way but eventually you don’t feel as good or as strong anymore. It becomes effort to think, you don’t want to get up or do anything, too much or too little of anything kinda makes you feel a bit ill, oh and don’t forget the heavy whirling of thoughts that spin round your brain… ((I mean that is definitely how my hangovers have felt like in the past)). That is how I can feel after any day, whether, it is as big as an entire wedding day, or just commuting to university. I sometimes need some space to recover/pause because I have been dealing and managing a whole array of thoughts, emotions and experiences in my head ((which is bloomin exhausting)). Even after blogging, I have to take a break, breathe, cry or watch something and try completely switching off. I am not sure if it’s because I am constantly aware all the time, of my surroundings and situations etc and I feel like I feel things in extremes, whether it’s feelings of anxiety or happiness ((there is no middle ground)).

After several busy weeks or daily hassles and a variety of things going on, I have switched off ((not totally out of choice)), and have lost a huge amount of motivation. I know loads of people who have said similar things more generally, either about work or school and I really do all feel ya pain. However, when I feel like this over things I love it can be difficult – but that is the beauty of depression, it is sapping and numbing and almost impossible to ignore.

I understand there are a lot of WTF moments in this post ((and life in general)) but it gives a bit of an insight into the truth. Depression, eating disorders, and other illnesses are very tiring, and very hard to manage 100% of the time. With that in mind, I haven’t been able to stick to my original plan and show off about my eating out, and meeting so many wonderful new people, but hey, it is what it is.

xxx

 

HEN PARTY, ANXIETY & SOME HONESTY

WHAT A BLOODY FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!! Never have I laughed, chatted and enjoyed myself for so long in such a long time. I’m going to toot my own horn for a little bit and say that I am proud of myself! I organised a bloody hen party, like how cool is that ((well to me it is anyway)) and to top it all off everyone had fun… including me(!!) I am filled with such a sense of achievement. I managed money, organised activities, bossed people about, socialised and shared food with some amazing girls ((this deserves a place on my CV right?)) I am honestly, still in a bit of shock at how it all happened so smoothly but I’m gonna own it and I can’t stop smiling about it… SososoosooSOoo many achievements WOO.

Taking a tiny step back from all of this euphoria, I have slightly crashed. I am the first person to admit that after a full on weekend of smiling and entertaining, while it was awesome, it is extremely tiring and demanding both physically and mentally, especially if you are not used to it. I have learnt that it is beyond important to make sure that I unwind and have some down time… like seriously important.

So yesterday, still a little bit wired from everything, I thought it would be appropriate to write my “self-care: Part 3” post, sharing some of the really lovely ways I unwind and things that I find particularly useful when it comes to a bit of self-love ((this post will eventually make an appearance at some point I am sure)). I started writing that post and it was really fun and I was enjoying myself lots, but as I re-read my first sentence and had some much needed chats with my mum and sister I realised I was flat out lying. I definitely was not sitting here wearing my favourite lipstick, waiting for my bubble bath to run to read my latest book, after a wholesome nourishing dinner. Truthfully, I have slightly neglected myself over the past couple of days and not put into practice any of the self-care I have spoken or wanted to speak about. As much as I really really wanted to share how balanced I was being and to emphasise the idea that when there are busy times you also need the quiet times, it was just not true at that moment and I was just adding to that cliché ((it is a lot harder than you think)). At the same time, I think I was trying to make myself believe that I had actually done those things and if I wrote it down and let other people read what I had supposedly done then it must have happened?!!? Crazy I know…

Surrounding myself with family and friends means so much to me and I truly loved every second of it, but I did feel a little all over the place after and really put my anxiety to the test. My body was telling me to rest but my head was whizzing around, I was kinda stuck in a lose-lose situation. ((Please say I’m not alone on that one?!)) I now realise, at that point I should have thought “Ok, self-love and care are your best friends today” when in reality I panicked and after a few tears and sitting in child’s pose on my yoga mat did I start to feel a bit calmer ((Ohhhh, the beauty of hindsight)).

It’s Tuesday and I am feeling almost fully recuperated, but still somewhat slack on the self-care front. I have set some self-care tasks for myself today and throughout the week to really make sure I keep myself well. Sorry I haven’t really sugar coated this post but after I realised what I was doing, I wanted to be as honest as possible… just shows what a long old journey this all is… not to forget how far I have come though!!!

xxx

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Self-care: Part 2

Another side to self-care…

First off, my featured image for todays post is arguably unrelated to the content but I struggled finding an image to reflect what I am writing about so am using it as an opportunity to share how unbelievably cute my dog is… I know right!

Okay let’s get to it..

Initially when I was first introduced to self-care I don’t know about you but I immediately think of painting my nails and brushing my hair, extremely girly and beauty based ideas that focus on my body rather than my head. I think that’s because I never really make time and have never really made time to do those sorts of things, ((I was more of the picker and biter of nails and the “can I get away with using dry shampoo for one more day if it is in a bun” type of person.))

So when I think of looking after myself I think of things very aesthetically… I don’t know why but that is what springs to my mind first. It is probably stemmed from the illusion that if you look good then you feel good too. This while it sounds nice and like it would work and admittedly it does on some occasions it is not always the case. I could be ready head to toe and look absolutely flawless but if I feel crap on the inside, what I look like on the outside will not matter one bit…trust me on that one.

Caring for myself is not ALL about treating myself to nice things and looking after myself on the outside ((note: that it’s still so important and I stand by the fact that bath bombs are fantastic)) but I also have to ensure that I take time to look after myself internally. Not just by nourishing my body with delicious food but also with amazing thoughts, I have to take a moment and think about what is going on in my head. I have to make sure that when I don’t have caring thoughts or I am slipping towards a more negative way of thinking and that I am quick to change and recognise what is going and give my-self a bit of love ((this is much much much easier said than done)). I do try remind myself of all things lovely though, most of the time it is helped alongside a cuddle with my puppy and a chat to friend, because what else can friends be used for other than to blow up your ego a little bit ((haha jokes I love you all)).

This part of self-care can often be forgotten about and is for sure the hardest, and definitely the aspect which I over look and needs the most work ((probably why I never think to do it)). I mean it is really not as easy as lighting a candle is it? It takes an alteration in thoughts, which if you are like me do not like being messed with. I am still learning ways to manage my “wobbly thoughts” and find out what works for me ((because they are still frequent and like yesterday can be very hard to deal with especially when any form of self-care doesn’t work at that time)). For example, telling myself “I am great” didn’t quite do the job, but counting my breaths definitely calms the chatter for a bit. I have learnt (the hard way) it is very much a trial and error type situation, which is taking a very long time but slowly I am creating a little list of different ways to look after me.

I would really love it if anyone has any ways they specifically deal with their wobbles, because I am starting to run out of ideas so need to pinch a few..message or comment!!!!

Lots of love xxx