There is no middle ground

I had so many ideas last week, I was so motivated. In my head I had a whole plan of blog posts that I wanted to share, because there really has been so many positive moments that I am sososososo chuffed with.

Putting my awesomeness to one side, I didn’t start this blog to show off about my life or for it to be another one of those romantic recovery stories that get thrown about, or for it to turn into “how awesome is Olivia page” ((as much as I would love that)). At the same time, it would be wrong for me to ignore the progress that I have made, and to not admit that I am beyond proud of myself!!! but it would also be wrong to only share that stuff, because in reality I am far from being a happy chappy 100% of the time, i don’t think is. ((Plus no one really wants to read about how awesome someone is, we have the rest of social media doing that for us AND, we are all way too nosy for that, well I know I am)).

When I wrote my last post, I was SO on it, I had such a positive outlook for the week ahead of me. ((I even booked a trip to visit my gem in Liverpool, massive love to everyone up there you are all fab xoxo)). A couple of months ago I wouldn’t have been able to do that, there was a lot of socialising, there was a lot of adapting to meal times and putting myself in vulnerable positions. Yup, I survived that, I even enjoyed bits of it. What some people won’t be aware of or even consider is that daily events, have a big impact on me. It’s a bit like a hangover, you know where you wake up from a heavy one where you felt fab or different in some way but eventually you don’t feel as good or as strong anymore. It becomes effort to think, you don’t want to get up or do anything, too much or too little of anything kinda makes you feel a bit ill, oh and don’t forget the heavy whirling of thoughts that spin round your brain… ((I mean that is definitely how my hangovers have felt like in the past)). That is how I can feel after any day, whether, it is as big as an entire wedding day, or just commuting to university. I sometimes need some space to recover/pause because I have been dealing and managing a whole array of thoughts, emotions and experiences in my head ((which is bloomin exhausting)). Even after blogging, I have to take a break, breathe, cry or watch something and try completely switching off. I am not sure if it’s because I am constantly aware all the time, of my surroundings and situations etc and I feel like I feel things in extremes, whether it’s feelings of anxiety or happiness ((there is no middle ground)).

After several busy weeks or daily hassles and a variety of things going on, I have switched off ((not totally out of choice)), and have lost a huge amount of motivation. I know loads of people who have said similar things more generally, either about work or school and I really do all feel ya pain. However, when I feel like this over things I love it can be difficult – but that is the beauty of depression, it is sapping and numbing and almost impossible to ignore.

I understand there are a lot of WTF moments in this post ((and life in general)) but it gives a bit of an insight into the truth. Depression, eating disorders, and other illnesses are very tiring, and very hard to manage 100% of the time. With that in mind, I haven’t been able to stick to my original plan and show off about my eating out, and meeting so many wonderful new people, but hey, it is what it is.




Does it mean that people stop caring for me?

I have finally found some quiet time ((breathe)) to do some writing ((aren’t you lucky)). It’s been so weird, I have gone from having a lot of time doing things at my own pace and doing little bits here and there. Now, my day consists of making sure I get the correct train at the correct time ((so far not too many mistakes)), making sure I get to correct lectures and seminars on time as well as getting my daily dose of caffeine.

From this I have realised I’m not actually that great at adulting – being able to function as a proper human in the real world ((I commend you all because you all do it and I know it’s hard and to those who are think What the hell is she on about? Well you are winning at life)).

In reflection, I think this is what I struggled with in Edinburgh, which spurred the relapse of depression and it’s progression into my anorexia. But I find that it is quite the balancing act, making sure I have enough clean pants and socks, doing all my work as well as socialising OH and squeezing a bit of time for myself ((one of them I thought would have to go, So I dropped myself)). This time I don’t want that to happen but already I am finding being solely responsible for myself challenging ((no likes responsibilities)). Since the beginning of the year I have had someone ((shoutout to my mum)) there with me all the time, telling me it’s snack or lunch time and making sure I’m doing everything I am supposed to. I mean I am very much an adult now so I shouldn’t need this sort of looking after. Honestly, it was what I needed and I think every now and again there is nothing wrong wanting someone to look after you because it’s lovely being loved. However, I want to live my own full life so I have got to start doing all these adult normal things for my self.

((confession time)) Thinking about all of this has scared me. I sometimes get thoughts that if I’m “normal” again then what does this mean? Does it mean that people stop caring for me? I wonder whether I will be forgotten or not liked? (?!??!) I understand these thoughts come from my illness but nevertheless remain on my mind. I worry that my irrational side will dominate. I have seen how easily it could be for me to fall back into unhealthy habits if I’m not 110% on it. Admittedly, I haven’t been that great, there have been moments where irrational thoughts override HOWEVER these thoughts are only thoughts and moments rather than directing my life and I am learning ways to manage all of it ((I just need to keep the motivation going)). Keeping this is up and maintaining this mindset does daunt me slightly but being at home does make it a billion trillion times easier and means adulting doesn’t last ALLLLL day.

THANKFULLY I do have a mini break from all of this busyness and I will be blessed ((fingers crossed)) with some sun(!!!) I can quite literally take a step back from running round like a headless chicken between Cambridge and London to running round like a headless chicken on a tennis court.

Adios Mis Amigos!! xxx

What the heck is Mindfulness?!

“being present”

According to trusty google being mindful is defined as,

 “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something”

Before giving this a search I tried thinking of some definitions myself. A lot of adjectives such as awareness, realization, peacefulness came up but in my opinion the best one and simplest definition was,

“being present”

The second definition google provided was,

“a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique”

I mean google definitely went for the lengthier option but I wasn’t far off!

Being mindful has been something I have wanted to benefit from and I have been concentrating a lot on what I want it to mean to me. Suffering with an eating disorder, I am constantly flicking between fearing the future and worrying about the past. I find that some days go by when I have absolutely no idea what I have done because I was off in my head somewhere. So being able to come up with what to me seems like the best summary of being mindful and with google sort of agreeing with me, has put a massive smile on my face.

My most recent holiday on a boat in Norfolk was when the penny dropped in terms of understanding mindfulness properly ((took me back to the good old days in maths when you finally understand how to use an equation)). I can hand on heart say that for the majority of days ((aside from the time I was reading)) I was extremely aware of my thoughts and feelings in the present moment ((usually to prevent anyone from pushing me off the boat nevertheless I was being extremely mindful)).

For ages, I actually thought mindfulness meant being able to zone out. In my head I held this picture ((comically)) of someone meditating to singing dolphins, pretty much the complete opposite of the mindfulness I know. I don’t think I am the only one who thought that’s what being mindful meant, don’t worry it is not a cult. It has opened me up to enjoy and remember so many more experiences, even down to lying in svasana and really feeling the weight of my yoga practice sink into my mat ((truly the best feeling, apart from when you are trying to relax and all you can feel is your super itchy big toe…)). Even my rekindled love of Sudoku I think counts as being mindful, I can literally spend my whole evening solely focused on my book of puzzles ((commitment I know)).

Being able to understand that the chatter in my head, whether it is particularly loud or quiet that day doesn’t have to be silenced or argued with, instead just recognized. That has been such an achievement and a massive step in being able to accept myself… thank you Norfolk broads!!!






Self-care: Part 2

Another side to self-care…

First off, my featured image for todays post is arguably unrelated to the content but I struggled finding an image to reflect what I am writing about so am using it as an opportunity to share how unbelievably cute my dog is… I know right!

Okay let’s get to it..

Initially when I was first introduced to self-care I don’t know about you but I immediately think of painting my nails and brushing my hair, extremely girly and beauty based ideas that focus on my body rather than my head. I think that’s because I never really make time and have never really made time to do those sorts of things, ((I was more of the picker and biter of nails and the “can I get away with using dry shampoo for one more day if it is in a bun” type of person.))

So when I think of looking after myself I think of things very aesthetically… I don’t know why but that is what springs to my mind first. It is probably stemmed from the illusion that if you look good then you feel good too. This while it sounds nice and like it would work and admittedly it does on some occasions it is not always the case. I could be ready head to toe and look absolutely flawless but if I feel crap on the inside, what I look like on the outside will not matter one bit…trust me on that one.

Caring for myself is not ALL about treating myself to nice things and looking after myself on the outside ((note: that it’s still so important and I stand by the fact that bath bombs are fantastic)) but I also have to ensure that I take time to look after myself internally. Not just by nourishing my body with delicious food but also with amazing thoughts, I have to take a moment and think about what is going on in my head. I have to make sure that when I don’t have caring thoughts or I am slipping towards a more negative way of thinking and that I am quick to change and recognise what is going and give my-self a bit of love ((this is much much much easier said than done)). I do try remind myself of all things lovely though, most of the time it is helped alongside a cuddle with my puppy and a chat to friend, because what else can friends be used for other than to blow up your ego a little bit ((haha jokes I love you all)).

This part of self-care can often be forgotten about and is for sure the hardest, and definitely the aspect which I over look and needs the most work ((probably why I never think to do it)). I mean it is really not as easy as lighting a candle is it? It takes an alteration in thoughts, which if you are like me do not like being messed with. I am still learning ways to manage my “wobbly thoughts” and find out what works for me ((because they are still frequent and like yesterday can be very hard to deal with especially when any form of self-care doesn’t work at that time)). For example, telling myself “I am great” didn’t quite do the job, but counting my breaths definitely calms the chatter for a bit. I have learnt (the hard way) it is very much a trial and error type situation, which is taking a very long time but slowly I am creating a little list of different ways to look after me.

I would really love it if anyone has any ways they specifically deal with their wobbles, because I am starting to run out of ideas so need to pinch a few..message or comment!!!!

Lots of love xxx