I have managed what I could, and I personally think I have done bloody well.

I am not even joking when I say that my house at the minute is freezing! We currently have no heating because something is being done to the boiler ((who knows, not sure that my dad even knows what is going on)) so I am probably feeling the cold even more than I should be ((thank god for UGG boots, I will always been a fan)). But then my mum did kindly remind me that it is November this week. What the actual heck. October disappeared from right beneath me, it has been a very strange month with a lot of stuff going on with a lot of ‘OH MY GOD’s’ thrown about. Genuinely though, oh my god October has been mad.

At the beginning I was in Spain, the thought of that warm sun seems like a very distant memory now as I drown myself in tea and coffee in my best efforts to stay warm. I was there coaching tennis everyday on the beautiful clay courts on the resort of La Manga Club – it was the dream ((the company was also fab, love you mum and dad)). The middle of October or more specifically the on 21st October 2017 ((which in the past two years I must have said literally 1,000 times and has been long awaited)) my sister finally got married!!!!!! It was genuinely the most magical, fairytale like wedding you could imagine, we did not hold back on any of the planning, preparing and partying.

It has been great, fantastic, incredible ((all the adjectives)). It’s also been exhausting, and amidst all that fun there have been some wobbles. Being busy does take its toll and has meant I haven’t blogged at all but I do have some quiet time ahead ((YES)) so the plan is to fill my page with as much as possible. Including all the nitty gritty stuff, truths about actually how draining and tiring and difficult having a full on life is and lets just say I welcome the break with open arms.

OHH YEAH! and amongst all of that I still had university to attend. Spain did make that a little trickier and I did my best to stay up-to-date with all the work from my sun lounger… although that often led to a little snooze ((definitely well deserved)). Then who can really concentrate on anything when the biggest most important event of your sisters life is about to happen, so I prioritised packing confetti into 50 tiny little bags, over trying to complete any of the 4 deadlines that I had due this month.

So yeah, it has been go go go, life has stopped for no one. I think I could 100% say that in the past few weeks I have felt EVERY single emotion I possibly could, I have cried pretty much over everything, good and bad.

It’s these everyday life events that we can’t always control the timing of and sometimes they happen all at once ((that seems to happen all the time with me)), which is extremely overwhelming, but that is the nature of life. Before, I would have said absolutely not. There would have been no way I could have dealt with all of that physically or mentally. I would have quite happily hidden behind my depression or anorexia and not been able to do any of it or even wanted to, let alone actually enjoyed it. Instead of hiding, I sort of just went with it ((to put it very simply)), and I have managed what I could, and I personally think I have done bloody well. There have been a lot of achievements and a lot of moving forward, but at the same time it has also highlighted bits that I am still not so good at or still find difficult ((I am not superwoman, that’s for sure)).

Thank fully now I have a week off uni ((I think I am supposed to work during this time but…it’s all about having balance, right?)). I want to share all the thoughts, feels and things that October faced me with. Prepare yourself for a lot of ‘WTF?’ moments and some ‘YES YOU GOT THIS GIRL’ moments.



Does it mean that people stop caring for me?

I have finally found some quiet time ((breathe)) to do some writing ((aren’t you lucky)). It’s been so weird, I have gone from having a lot of time doing things at my own pace and doing little bits here and there. Now, my day consists of making sure I get the correct train at the correct time ((so far not too many mistakes)), making sure I get to correct lectures and seminars on time as well as getting my daily dose of caffeine.

From this I have realised I’m not actually that great at adulting – being able to function as a proper human in the real world ((I commend you all because you all do it and I know it’s hard and to those who are think What the hell is she on about? Well you are winning at life)).

In reflection, I think this is what I struggled with in Edinburgh, which spurred the relapse of depression and it’s progression into my anorexia. But I find that it is quite the balancing act, making sure I have enough clean pants and socks, doing all my work as well as socialising OH and squeezing a bit of time for myself ((one of them I thought would have to go, So I dropped myself)). This time I don’t want that to happen but already I am finding being solely responsible for myself challenging ((no likes responsibilities)). Since the beginning of the year I have had someone ((shoutout to my mum)) there with me all the time, telling me it’s snack or lunch time and making sure I’m doing everything I am supposed to. I mean I am very much an adult now so I shouldn’t need this sort of looking after. Honestly, it was what I needed and I think every now and again there is nothing wrong wanting someone to look after you because it’s lovely being loved. However, I want to live my own full life so I have got to start doing all these adult normal things for my self.

((confession time)) Thinking about all of this has scared me. I sometimes get thoughts that if I’m “normal” again then what does this mean? Does it mean that people stop caring for me? I wonder whether I will be forgotten or not liked? (?!??!) I understand these thoughts come from my illness but nevertheless remain on my mind. I worry that my irrational side will dominate. I have seen how easily it could be for me to fall back into unhealthy habits if I’m not 110% on it. Admittedly, I haven’t been that great, there have been moments where irrational thoughts override HOWEVER these thoughts are only thoughts and moments rather than directing my life and I am learning ways to manage all of it ((I just need to keep the motivation going)). Keeping this is up and maintaining this mindset does daunt me slightly but being at home does make it a billion trillion times easier and means adulting doesn’t last ALLLLL day.

THANKFULLY I do have a mini break from all of this busyness and I will be blessed ((fingers crossed)) with some sun(!!!) I can quite literally take a step back from running round like a headless chicken between Cambridge and London to running round like a headless chicken on a tennis court.

Adios Mis Amigos!! xxx


I think some reactions ((I know mine was…)) were along the lines of “Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.”

I realise that the previous two blog posts have not been completely cheerful… but hey that’s life! This time however, I thought I would update the world with some exciting news/big developments in my life that not everyone knows about ((Pause for suspense)).

I’ve gone back to university(!!!) Unfortunately or fortunately ((I haven’t decided on that one yet)) not back to Edinburgh but to London. Yup, just to make life a little bit harder I have joined one of the busiest but greatest cities in the world ((my anxiety loves it)).

When I first applied through UCAS in June I had literally days to churn out my application but King’s College London surprisingly said yes ((WHOOP)). When I first applied I don’t think it necessarily came from a good place, I saw it more as another way to get out the house for as long as possible and to distract and escape myself from myself. When I was given an offer, I think some reactions ((I know mine was…)) were along the lines of “Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.” Even the conversation about me ACTUALLY going was on the hush hush and as a family we didn’t really speak about it until about a week or two ago. I had to prove to myself ((and many others)) that I did/do have the capability to look after myself and that I was genuinely ready for what has been a really intense week.  What would be the point if I couldn’t?! I do think I am ready and my reasons for going are endless! but are 100% for the right reasons now.

Don’t worry, I haven’t gone completely crazy I am living at home ((Thank god, no one wants a repeat of Edinburgh)) so that does mean I have to endure an hour commute, which isn’t going too bad ((provided I travel off-peak and have my noise cancelling headphones on)).

I am half way through my first week and it’s going. It’s been hard. I’ve had some challenges in terms of dealing with food and managing my mood ((it’s a long old day you know)), especially in such a social situation. At home it was easy, if I felt uneasy I would do some yoga, or walk my dog, anything that puts me at ease, but here I can’t really throw myself down into child’s pose in the middle of a lecture ((I mean I probably could but not sure how well that would go down)). I feel like I have coped and managed for this week so I am really pleased. Reminding myself to take one day at a time has been quite important. I have this tendency to over think things, which leads me to getting worked up quite quickly, Monday being an example of that. I was worrying about everything, there was so…is so much to think about; being able to look after myself, getting on the right train, actually learning and doing the work, not to mention all the socialising. Oh yeah! AND making time for me.

Despite juggling all of those things I have already noticed what a comfort coming home has been. Knowing my family will be at home ((most importantly my puppy)) has made starting King’s so much easier and relaxing ((along with not being so hungover and ill from freshers, and actually following what on earth is going on, there has been a tonne of info)).

Bearing in mind it has only been a week, I think sustaining all of this will be one of the many challenges ((many blog posts that I share)). It’s going to be hard but I’m going to try. I want to do this to highlight that my illness hasn’t stopped me from going after what I want, BUT if I let it, it will stop me from being able to live the full life that I am making. Happy days #pepspeech.




One step forward, Two steps back

I went from “yes I am overcoming this blip” to the depression and anorexia completely over taking.

Since my last post I have had some amazing comments along with lots of warming messages ((keep em coming)) , which has been so uplifting and motivating and I thank EVERYONE and anyone who actually reads these posts in general.

Not going to lie though, after I posted last weeks blog and received some responses I’ve had lots of chats with people telling me “I have turned a corner”, or that they are “proud of how far I have come”. Hearing that was so touching and knowing that I have a lot of friends and family that care for me has been one of the major factors in moving forward. I know there is truth in what people have been saying and everything so far has been a massive step and achievement. BUT… I felt so overwhelmed and actually quite scared of what all of that meant. I felt this enormous expectation to suddenly be “better”. ((does that mean being weight restored??? am I already better because I can discuss my problems with lots of people??? will I ever be better?!?!)) My head and the side of me that is a tad self-destructive went on over drive with many strange thoughts. I went from “yes I am overcoming this blip” to the depression and Anorexia completely over taking. !!ALERT – this will sound bizarre!! It made me feel really disappointed and ashamed in my-self from all angles. Both sides of me felt like failures, a failed Anorexic at the same time failing at recovery ((literally no win)). Feeling like this is draining, it’s a constant argument between the rational side of me which thinks I’m crazy to have thoughts like this, like why on earth would you do or say that, while the irrational side of me is extremely nasty and stubborn, and recently has been winning a lot more of these arguments.

The expression “one step forward, two steps back” really resonates with me. Wanting to get better and handing control of my food over was my step forward, but putting what I was preaching into practice and my reaction to this step actually took me back quite a bit.

Weird i know! But it’s the reality. In anyone’s day regardless of what is going on, there are moments where I am sure you feel effortless and on top of things but moments that also throw themselves at you which I am sure you wished had not had happened ((and can tend to be the ones that you unfortunately remember and feel the most)). Well it’s a bit like that but I flick between this, for what feels like all day and every day.

I have entered what lots of people call the “recovery” phase ((possibly the expression my mum and I hate the most – – a blog post for another day though)) I have been trying to keep my motivation up and have been reading stories and quotes of others overcoming whatever ill health they have been going through ((you stumble across so many clichés it is unreal!!)). I know they are here to help but honestly, I find the quotes specifically quite funny and condescending rather than constructive, or motivating ((that is probably the irrational side of me telling me not to listen or find them helpful…bit of a double-edged sword I know)). They make me think that, magically, one day  a bridge will appear leading me to a world of “recovery” or I will wake up and suddenly have arrived in this place of being better. Maybe that will happen but I am thinking maybe not and it is more something I am going to own, embrace, live with and manage a lot more successfully than I am at the moment. It is part of me but it doesn’t have to define me ((I feel like I should whoop at the end of that sentence)).

I love a success story, from whatever illness, they are empowering and provide hope to everyone and there is something so comforting to hear that we can be strong. I have a long way to go before I sound like any of the success stories have heard but this is all part of my story good and bad. Right now it is just not going very smoothly or as easily as I may have have hoped ((as it turns out it is not as easy as it may look… definitely not as easy as just eating another slice of cake – – (probably the most overheard and ignorant sentence to be said) but if it were that simple I wouldn’t be in this situation)) but maybe one day!!!



I was browsing through my twitter this morning and Rachel Kelly ((who I have definitely mentioned before, because she is awesome)) shared this article

which I thought I would share with anyone who fancies an interesting read. Basically, it continues that chat about all things mental health related and I think it is so important to address these conversations and I agree that boys, men and generally everyone is worried about the reaction they might get ((I know I was when I first started openly talking about some of my own problems)).




I mean right now, being able to socialise around food is almost on par with being able to walk again after breaking my leg.


It feels like I haven’t blogged or discussed what has been going on in my life aside from all the fun events and strange things I think about. I have had a lot to think about over the past weeks and haven’t really felt like writing and whenever I did write I felt I was being disingenuous and boring. It’s times like this though that I want to share, when I don’t feel tip top or I am dealing with something, because life is like that and it is the truth.

The past 3 weeks have been a big stepping stone in terms of my eating disorder, and I want to give an honest insight to what is going on ((bear with me though, this is quite nerve racking)).

I am now in my 3rd week of relinquishing control over everything relating to food ((apart from being allowed to bake my family their fav brownies and biscuits)). There have been numerous chats with Doctors, Health care professionals and family over ways of managing my eating disorder but nothing was really getting through to me. I kept lying to everyone ((myself included)) that tomorrow I will get better or next week I will get better but nothing changed. I was referred to the eating disorders clinic at my local hospital and was put on a waiting list(?!?!?!) but soon removed because my BMI wasn’t low enough and they were oversubscribed with patients. That phased my family and I quite a lot and we felt quite lost without any guidance, my GP was amazing and did the best that they could.

Few months later and I wish I could say that we found the perfect answer to all our problems or that there was a particular moment where I was suddenly like, ok yes I feel good lets get cracking with recovery. It has definitely been more gradual and as my mood improves the more I want to start living a full life rather than ((what my family call)) a half-life. Currently my body is not in a state where it can live up to the life that I want for myself so now I have to get it to a state which it’s working at its best. I already feel good about feeling like this because it shows to myself how much I am kicking depression in the butt again.

To many people’s surprise or not surprise this has been hard. Handing all of this over has come with ((to state the obvious)) a lot more food, which nicely pairs with a considerable amount of anxiety and some very concerning thoughts, of which need a lot of managing ((I am exhausted.. Ironic huh?))

At the moment, I see food as fuel, like it’s medicine. Similar to a physical illness in order to get better you sometimes need medicines, for me, my medicine is food. I am slowly understanding and learning again what food is all about and I have achieved so much, ((which I am gonna pat myself on the back for)) I went out for lunch…whoop. Even writing that I rolled my eyes ((I am sure you did too)) and I realise how ridiculous that sounds ((another reason to overcome this)) but for anyone going through any illness, usually it’s the little things, the day to day things, that the illness takes from you and you finally get back, you find feel like and often are the most significant achievements. I mean right now, being able to socialise around food is almost on par with being able to walk again after breaking my leg.

Illness can be long-term, short-term, physical or mental, whatever the combination I know there is no quick fix and takes soosososos much time and effort. I have A LOT of amazing events and changes coming up, that I want to be my whole self for so need all the encouragement I can get! This post has been very truthful and I feel like I have revealed a lot ((so be nice)) but I want to provide some insight on a topic that in my eyes is not spoken about enough ((at all)), especially while either someone is suffering or overcoming it, even if some parts aren’t so jazzy.




Hidden Gems

((Basically an excuse for me to take some “artsy farsty” photos and show of my stunners of a fam))

Eventually we (my family and I) are getting back into the swing of things again and settling back into our comfy routine ((Hooray!!)). However, after every summer jolliday comes the post holiday blues, with the real world hurtling around the corner and being completely in your face with absolutely no consideration that you had once been totally relaxed ((I think my dog is definitely suffering the most with not being able to run around the perimeter of the boat all day or chasing after something for hours on end)).

Unsurprisingly I found my self flicking through the countless photos that we had all collected from the week… I came across some absolute stunners and some not so worth sharing but 100% never being deleted ((safe to say we aren’t all sleeping beauties)).


On one the longer walks that we set off on ((that wasn’t to the local grocery shop or to the nearest toilet)) we spotted the most incredible field covered in sunflowers *cue photo opp* After a few thousand cringey yet worthwhile pictures later mum said something along the lines of “isn’t it amazing what you can discover”, she mentioned this to me because we had been talking about being able to cope and manage unplanned events etc and highlighted that good things can happen, even when you don’t control or plan it. It made me think about my previous blog post “CHANGE” and the idea of being a little more spontaneous and changing routine. We hadn’t planned our route, well, Dad had an extremely vague idea of what direction we should be heading in but really we were just walking to be outside and to enjoy our surroundings. For me, even though it was only doing something little and simple, it really emphasised the importance of opening myself up to opportunities because quite literally you have no idea what might be around the corner.. Hey! it might be a field full of sunflowers!! ((sorry for the cliche)). I appreciate that a simple family walk and going down a few footpaths and taking some odd photos may not seem big or as poignant but for me it was something new and different and I really really enjoyed it. ((Basically an excuse for me to take some “artsy farsty” photos and show of my stunners of a fam)).

It has made me excited rather than anxious to continue discovering new places and to leave some trips a little more unplanned and add some spontaneity, even if it’s just exploring a few unknown streets around Cambridge with my pups. ((risky business i know, but hopefully worth it!!))





































I would love to hear about any places people have discovered by accident??